Ten Years Later

What I've realised after nearly a decade of struggling to fuel my body.

For nine years I have struggled to properly fuel my body. I promised myself I would sort it out before it got to five years. Now, four years later, I’m about to hit ten, and I’m still not quite where I want to be. Not just in my actions, but in the way I think about food.

It’s scary how quickly the years go by when you’re avoiding something you don’t want to face, or maybe something you don’t know if you can fix anymore.

It’s also scary how something whose primary purpose is survival, nourishment, and enjoyment can morph into the opposite. Something so complex and sinister.

People spend years trying to undo the damage caused by a culture obsessed with appearance and measurement. For some people that pressure passes through them easily. Perhaps, even allowing them to thrive. For others, it settles somewhere deeper, showing itself in constant rumination, self-doubt, restriction, and an utter sense of failure that you can’t stop something you never meant to start. It is no one’s fault.

So, here I am again, 23 years old, and met with a familiar sadness and disappointment that the thoughts that I thought I discarded at 17 still have their place.

I’ve done a lot of self rationalising these last few years. Finding relief in the ideas that ‘everyone finds their own way to deal with it’ or ‘look how much I can still achieve whilst I do’.

But I am sorry, that is such bullshit. And I hate that our society excuses, even promotes these behaviours. Where have our values gone?

I am frustrated. Perhaps, because this time I feel stuck in a period of my life where I am desperately trying to move forward — in my career, my relationships, my skills. But, my habits are still holding me back. I’m not saying that they would miraculously change my life outcomes, but I know they would alter how I show up; How much I care, how I think and how I act.

Just because something can be concealed does not mean it is normal, healthy, or harmless. You have to be honest with yourself about this. And that honesty, and self awareness is necessary in sparking change.

I have avoided writing about my personal struggles with eating for a long time. Mostly, because I know how people respond and the ideas they immediately form about you. In some ways, that’s the hardest part. Being conscious enough to understand the impacts an eating disorder has on the people around you, but not strong enough to shift the habits that are causing worry, or even driving people away.

So this piece really isn’t a confession or a breakdown. I am absolutely fine, nothing has really changed. But, that’s why I’m writing it. Because, I still want things to.

I truly believe it is never too late to change something you care enough about. Even if it takes you ten years.

And, over those years, there are some uncomfortable realisations I have kept coming back to. Ones I want to use to speak to my own, and maybe even someone else’s values.

1. The way you fuel yourself directly affects how you show up for, and treat the people you care about — that is your choice, and people will lose sympathy if you make a selfish one.

2. How you fuel yourself directly influences how you show up at work. People don’t have time to understand, or adjust expectations. They will just hire the next person.

3. Think about how you impact your friends, your family, your partner, even your colleagues, when you choose to repeatedly give yourself less. What does that action say? How might it make them feel?

4. What relationship do you want your kids to have with food? Is how you are eating/thinking about food now reflective of that?

5. Imagine a holiday where food was something purely to be enjoyed. Think about what that would free up space for. How much happier the memories might be.

6. People can’t rely on you if they know you are constantly distracted. And eventually, they will stop trying.

7. Do you want to date an eating disorder for the rest of your life? Or do you want to make space for real, two-way relationships?

8. People aren’t going to keep telling you to eat more/enough, they will just move on to people who will. They are a lot more fun.

9. If you want to be taken seriously, you have to show it with your actions. And not just for one week.

10. Food should enrich life, not consume it.

These realisations can feel overwhelming, but sometimes they’re exciting too. You suddenly see this hugely obvious gap between your values and your actions, and you want to get rid of it.

Simple right?

But, how many times have you told yourself that before? And how long did it last?

I hate any acronyms that apparently hold the secret to executing something perfectly. Fucking P.E.EL paragraphs or S.M.A.R.T goals have never been my friends. I definitely thought I was above them.

But there was always a reason I would lose three marks. And, in this case, always a reason my goals didn’t stick.

So, I am going to swallow my pride (that doesn’t really exist anyway) and be SMART. I’m choosing one small, specific action to improve my relationship with food. Not because I need to, but because I want to.

I am going to learn how to cook, properly! I have a more specific way to achieve this, but you get the gist.

Just because this is one of the most nasty and relentless disorders out there, doesn’t mean you have to be ok with it sticking around forever. Especially, when some parts of you know you can change.

Use your strengths — the things that genuinely excite you, to find a way in that is more interesting, or that works directly against the disorder. Maybe it’s performing at work. Maybe it’s doing a pull up. Maybe it’s swimming further than you thought you could, writing something you’re proud of, or having the energy to stay out a few hours longer.

It doesn’t have to be food related, sometimes it’s better when it’s not.

What matters is that it exposes the contradiction of desperately trying to achieve something that your own behaviours are quietly undermining.
Give yourself the energy to care about real things. Life is big.

I just want to finish by saying I am not undermining the complexity of eating disorders, and the inability of some people to enact change themselves. This is based on my personal experience. Take from it what you will.